The future and what it is....

I'm not sure the last time I felt this amount of overwhelming anxiety about something so important.... probably when L was born since we never had a straight answer on anything. Lately, there has been lots of hustle and bustle in the military world and no one is quite sure what is going to happen or when it's going to happen we only have "almosts" and "possiblities". The problem is that when you are a planner "almost", "maybes" and "possiblities" just don't cut it. It leaves you wondering what to do next and how to do what you are trying to plan and all in all it makes for a very unhappy time especially if this unknown includes a "possible" deployment a year after your spouse has gotten back. It's very nerve wrecking for me and not just because a deployment might happen, but because I'm trying to finish school and it's very hard to do when you don't know for sure if you will be in the same STATE as the school come the end of the semester. So, last year we were sure we would be out of Yuma by May. Well, it's May and there aren't any orders that we are aware of anyway and there are no boxes packed or any plans to leave anytime soon. There is a DET which is training for 21 days which in my opinion is a breeze, but is way too long for my husband to be gone. While Matt was deployed I learned a lot. I learned I'm stronger than I give myself credit for (I'm ALWAYS selling myself short... it is a bad flaw!). I learned that although I could do this life without him if something were to ever happen for any reason, but I DO NOT want to. All the fights and hard times of the beginning of marriage I believe are in the past for us and I know now more than ever that I want my husband around for as much as possible and deployments cannot be a part of this plan. However, I am fully aware that come the end of this term my husband will have been a Marine for 9 years and he wants nothing more than to finish what he started. So, I would stand behind him doing what I do best and make the most of the deployments left to come. This is where I'm pissed.... The department of defense has to cut thousands and thousands of troops.... They are being ordered to cut even more than they thought and they may have to break contracts. Matt just happens to be in a fantastic spot in his career.... if they weren't making cuts. Because they are he is kind of in the wrong place at the wrong time and we just aren't sure how this is going to end. We might not have a choice but to get out and that isn't right. Not that it is FAIR, because it's NOT, but morally and ethically it isn't RIGHT. He will have given so much of his life to get no choice of staying in or getting out and possibly have to hang up his cammies even though he doesn't want to. It's not RIGHT. So, I'm upset because all of us are in a waiting game and it's effecting more than us and I'm mad about all the people effected too. I think if our country starting taking care of the people who make a difference and keep us safe maybe the people of this country wouldn't be so harsh to judge and not care. I can't believe that we live in a world where it's okay to not help someone if you can. Where you can turn the other to cheek to EVERYTHING from child abuse to animal abuse, using the system and veterans on the street who can't get help. Since when is it okay to help 19 year olds with multiple kids who are physically able to get out there and take care of their kids like all the single or not single parents before them but men and women who fought for there right to do nothing can't get jobs or health care or a hamburger off the $1 menu. It's disgusting and instead of worrying about making everyone take birth control and wether homosexuals can marry or not why don't we take a look around and notice what really matters. I guess for people who been part of this life they will get it, maybe not agree but understand. Otherwise you may be like my ex-bestfriend who told me "I chose this life... deal with it"... Oddly enough that's not why she isn't my best friend anymore. I guess I'm off my soap box for now. If I offended anyone you don't have to read this, but I'm not nor will I be sorry for how I feel. I'm over being what other people want from me I am who I am and you DO NOT have to like it. Thanks for reading!! <3